The First day....

Today was the first day of Kindergarten for my growing young man. When we got in the truck I asked him if he was excited, he said "yes, a little bit." When I asked if he was nervous he responded, "no, I am not." Yes, well, of course I ask the question because that is what I was feeling. In reality Charlie was not feeling too good, he has been fighting a bug of some sort for the past few days, and woke up this morning, with no fever, but with a runny nose and a real desire to just go back to bed.

He is a very social guy, so when we finally got up and moving around, strapped on the backpack, he was ready for the new adventure. It was as if he had been there all his life when he marched into his new classroom. The teacher said, "Good morning, Charlie, do you remember where your seat is?" His seat was the place where he had found his name on Friday at the meet the teacher event. Before I could unload the final items from the school supply list he was at his table, already coloring. He showed me his work and then was ready for me to leave. When I came back in for one last picture, he barely looked up from what he was doing.

No doubt about it, my sometimes shy little one is not at all afraid of new adventures.

As I walked out of the school and headed back to the car, I couldn't stop tears that were beginning to fall. It wasn't an all out crying jag, just a slow and steady roll of tears, first from one eye and then from the other. I brushed them away quickly, imagining the eyes of the 5th and 6th graders and their parents being amused and bewildered by my sentimentality. Then I was a little embarassed before dismissing the imagined judgement of elementary school children.

But, this what today is about - stepping out, sending out my little one, who I have tried to protect from mean people, judgemental people, people who take pleasure in other's pain. Today it felt like I was changing my stance in the world. No longer can I "protect" him from "the world" now begins the long phase of standing along side him as we learn together how to navigate and negotiate the world and all of its relationships - positive and negative.

Protection is an illusion I think -- I hope I don't sound too cynical. My dad was a great protector of his three girls. I have many stories of his standing between us (well me) and harm as I was making my way through elementary and high school years. One time when I was in elementary school we were at a High School football game and there were two men sitting behind my father, my sisters and I, who were using a lot of foul language. After a few moments of that language swirling around us, my dad stood up and turned around and with his baritone voice said, "if you are going to keep talking like that you are going to need to move." I don't know if they moved, but I didn't hear them cursing anymore. His protection became my image of God, the relational dynamic that taught me to trust.

In Charlie's life there have been some things I couldn't protect him from, things that happened before we knew each other - today is a reminder that there will be things I won't be able to protect him from in the days ahead. There are a lot of things I will be able to protect him from, and together with his dad, we will be at that task for as long as we draw breath I suppose.

For today however, it is the first day of kindergarten. My brave, trusting boy strode into his classroom ready to make new friends and go to the cafeteria and choose his own lunch!

Reverent Legs

Today I was a part of a conversation about a person whose legs were no longer working. They had been cut off from the signals from the brain that give legs life and movement. The legs of this very young person were left appearing lifeless after a bullet struck and shattered the spinal cord that delivers the messages to move, to run, to lift a small body from a chair. The muscles stopped growing and the lack of movement kept the blood from circulating in ways that give life to human systems. Now, three years later, the surgery was scheduled to remove these limbs that were designed to propel the body, because in their state of being "cut off" from the communication center, they were becoming a threat to the whole of the being.

This conversation went many places today and at different times impacted me in different ways. At one point the concept of reverence I have been reading about lately was awakened. A book, An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor, has a chapter on reverence - to attend more to life - the small and the large portions of life. In the book she says, "The practice of paying attention is as simple as looking twice at people and things you might just as easily ignore. To see takes time, like having a friend takes time. ...paying attention requires no equipment, no special clothes, no greens fees or personal trainers...All you need is a body on this earth, willing to notice where it is..."

As the conversation today moved from one sacred place to another, as conversations do in a CPE group, I found myself thinking of the little legs that I revere each night. Imagining the loss of the mother of this grown child whose legs were about to be removed, was profound.

Today I was reminded of how my hands "pay attention" to legs, Charlie's legs, each night after bath time. As we are attending to our nightly ritual - bath, lotion, brush teeth, prayers, snuggles and sleep - each night the lotion goes over legs that are a full foot longer than they were three years ago, legs that move, run, are flanked by strong and flexible muscles. My hands are like physical prayers of thanks for strength, growth, life. As they move over the legs that used to be so small they couldn't play "running games" through the halls of this home, they couldn't have dreamed that one day they would seeing how far they could jump off the altar of the church sanctuary.

I am reminded that everyday from then until now has been a movement toward growth. Our nightly ritual is a sacred time, like many others in our relationship - a place of reverence. This is a time when we attend to one another with a clear sense that reverence is healing, life giving. These moments are a reminder that there is a God and I am not it.

Reverence, paying attention, seeing - is the genesis of gratitude.

Oily Feathers

This morning I heard a story on the radio about how the Dawn detergent they are using to clean the oil spill oil off the feathers of birds actually contains some petroleum products. That little addition of petroleum derivatives is what makes Dawn detergent so potent against cleaning grease - in the kitchen and in the Gulf of Mexico. The story reminded me of several things, one of which was a friend from an old therapy group who spent her summers rescuing baby birds. I wondered if her hands were dirty with oil these days - she has a special connection with birds.

The spokesperson or scientist, the expert in the piece, said something like - it takes a little bit of petroleum to clean the oil. That comment made me think of many things, one of which was that regularly recurring image of my husband out in the garage cleaning greasy car parts with gasoline. The other was how true that is, the idea that there is a tension that must be kept in balance in life, between too much or too little of both the good and the bad.

I was thinking about love and fear. Sometimes it takes a little fear - of loss, separation, change - in a relationship to help us realize how much we love someone. It is the passionate depth of love that makes loss something we fear.

Yesterday Charlie's school had the "McGruff, Crime Dog" organization there, providing safety kits for kids. A little kit that has identification cards, vital information, a picture, fingerprints - even a kit for storing DNA and hair samples of your child. "In the event that it should ever be needed." What!?!

The lady showed me different levels of "packages" I could buy and all that was offered with each as I was leaving the school. As I drove over to the office (which is about 3 minutes away) my mind went back and forth about whether or not such a thing was a gimmick, a waste of money or a necessity of life in 2010. Sure it "plays" on my fear. The idea of needing to find Charlie if he were lost also strums on my love strings. I cannot imagine a worse experience in the world.

My parents would probably say that I deserve a little of that fear. As a kid, I was notorious for getting "lost". Much like now, I tend to go places without telling people where I am going - because it seems like a good idea at the time. My mom will tell you of stories of finding one of my moccasins on the retaining wall next to the dam near my childhood home, or of the day when there were flash floods all over the county and I didn't come home from school.

I get it now!

The interplay is strange and exciting, in my opinion, that is present between passionate love and "fear of lostness". The touch of fear reminded me of the depth of love. The depth of love reminded me of my "fear of lost".

How intriguing that a little bit of oil in a detergent cleans oil and restores life. How intriguing that that a little bit of fear reinvigorates awareness of love.

Sharing an Afternoon

I often wonder, even speak of it out loud, how did life get to where it is? How did we all come to be here together, making family as we do?

It is World Cup time, while that means something to everyone, to Paulo it means a lot. Brazilian soccer, national teams or the Flamengo Club, bring to him some of the same passion that watching and celebrating University of Kentucky basketball brings to me. A season of expectation, of looking forward to celebration and cheering on our team!

Charlie's seasons of expectation come more frequently than a sports club's season of play. His passions are stirred when a favorite cartoon, favorite song, or activity are anticipated. Today he was eager with anticipation about the prospect of being able to get a milkshake after school. Tuesday is our "drive-thru" day (it used to be "cheeseburger day" but we have expanded the options). As we left his preschool class and headed down the hall of the school, he clearly shared, with anticipatory glee, "Mom, can we get a milkshake today?" We stopped and chatted with others and then made our way to the truck. As we approached the truck, with the milkshake coming ever closer to a reality he asked, "is it ok if I have my own today, and we don't share?"

We have been working on sharing things lately. Sharing is hard work. It is good to share, sharing is noble. But today, "is it ok if I don't?"

I understand sometimes not wanting to share. Sharing milkshakes are usually easy to share, other things that come in and out of a parent' s day, not so easy. How do I share values that I sometimes fail at modeling? How do I keep being able to ask for what you need and want from becoming self-centeredness? Does my son see me sharing of my self or just of my stuff? It amazed me how quickly the thoughts came today.

As Charlie was blissfully awaiting our arrival at the drive-thru window of Chik-Fil-A, singing along to the Imagination Movers CD, he paused and asked, "Mom, how was your day today?" Don't really know if that is the first time he has ever asked me about my day so directly, but today, in the midst of parental angst about giving my son permission not to share, it was a welcome relief to hear that he could clearly express an interest in another person. He had a sense of the other enough to pause and ask.

Today, from my 4-year old son, I learned that eager anticipation of the small graces of the day may permit me the freedom to express my wants more freely. Freedom to be who I am created to be - that sounds like something I say to people in class each day, but have a hard time hearing for myself.

It was a great ride home playing "freeze dance" in the car as we made our way through rush hour traffic. It was a great time of sharing!

It is 2009

Christmas came and it was so much fun. Charlie had picked out one thing he wanted in a toy magazine at Mimi's house before Thanksgiving and that was all he asked Santa for up until the day Christmas arrived. Santa delivered! The "piston stop" is a little work bench full of tools for working on cars, decorated with all his favorite friends from the movie "Cars". Charlie is particularly fond of the drill.
All the family was at our house this year for Christmas dinner and exchanging gifts it was a beautiful day. Charlie enjoyed M&M's for breakfast lunch and supper and ran and laughed and played until his energy was completely spent. He asks every week when Christmas is coming again.
From October through the New Year is a time of pretty consistent celebrations around our house now, beginning with Charlie's birthday on the 23rd. This year we took an in-town vacation of two nights and three days at Disney to celebrate Charlie's 3rd birthday. It was great fun, really loved Animal Kingdom and went to see the Lion King show three times in one day.
Then Halloween arrives, Charlie was Simba and the flow of candy really kicked it up a notch. Thanksgiving was a good time at Aunt Suzy's house with lots of room to run and play and then the preparations for Christmas. It is hard to get back to work and regular routine.
We started January with Charlie's 3 year old physical. All is well, the doctor is impressed with Charlie's general health, his growth - he is now 36 1/2 inches tall and a nice healthy 30 lbs. With the exception of an ear infection all is well at the doctor's office. Potty training is complete, for the daytime hours, and the night time training is on the way. Charlie continues to do well in school and make friends. He loves to play with children and is a very happy and energetic child.
We turned the three day passes to Disney from the birthday celebration into Florida resident seasonal passes so we can take a day and go from time to time throughout the year. It is a good deal for Florida residents and especially so for people who live here in Orlando.
The year is off to a good start and we are looking forward to all of the growth and fun that a three year old brings to the house. He is constantly finding new ways to play and enjoy everything, right now being especially fond of rocks and sticks. When we are out, each stop requires the collection of at least one of each to bring along as a souvenier.

It has been a long time

Time seems to fly by and weeks turn to months so quickly. I suppose it is a good thing that life is so full that there seems little time to sit and think about it much, but a moment of sharing and reflection is always a good thing.

Just to review some of the "big rocks" since my last entry on this blog, I would begin in June I suppose. Maui, my loving companion of 8 years, had to be put to sleep on June 30th. It was an immensely sad day. He began having some trouble urinating about a week prior and when we got to the vet found out he had a cluster of kidney stones blocking the pathway. Surgery was an option, a very expensive option, following about $800 worth of diagnostic work. It was just too much. I went after a second opinion with a Vet who is a member of my Rotary club, he was concurred on the diagnosis and the treatment, but at a much more reasonable rate. (For any Orlando people, McAbee Veterinary Clinic on Goldenrod at Aloma -- - great people!!) So, Maui was scheduled for surgery. We could swing hundreds, as opposed to thousands, for the surgery - and so we were going forward. Not too long after dropping Maui off at the office for the surgery that would be later in the afternoon I got a call from Dr. Scott who told me they were doing some presurgical ultrasounds and found some disturbing other problems. I was with Maui when they put him to sleep, Mom was there as well. I cried like never before. Maui and I had been companions longer than me and anyone else in my adult life. The people at the clinic were SO great, and they had just met us. Such good and kind people took care of me in my grief. They were so respectful, even sent a card with everyone's signature on it a couple of week's later. We had Maui cremated and his current resting spot is in a lovely doggy tin, as we decide where his final resting space will be. Paulo and I still cry when we talk about Maui, and even now as I write about that day.

I wondered how I would explain death to Charlie...but I did as I have learned to do, I just told him, "Maui died today and he won't be home anymore." It took several days to repeat it as we would come home and Maui wouldn't meet us at the door. Charlie asks when Maui is coming home and we review it again from time to time. I don't know what reminds Charlie of Maui from time to time, but he thinks of him and mentions him. Just the other day he said, "I need to get Maui's leash and go get him to bring him home." We miss our very dear friend!

In August my youngest brother had a baby boy, Brady Clel Reynolds was born. He is as cute and sweet as he can be. Rodger is finishing his commitment to the Air Force and will be moving with his wife and new son to Orlando soon. We are all very happy that they will be so close.

Charlie really enjoyed Halloween this year. He had vague memories of getting lots of candy last year. He decided he wanted to be a lion, Simba, from the Lion King - one of his favorite movies for Halloween. This was perfect as Halloween came just one week following his birthday celebration, which was a weekend at Disney. He loved every moment of being at Disney. We went to the Lion King stage show twice while at the Animal Kingdom. He got to see all of his favorites and ride in race cars and everything! It was a great 3rd birthday celebration.

We are now looking forward to Christmas. Charlie found a toy catalog at his Mimi's house over the weekend and now he carries it everywhere. There are couple of items in there he wants and so we have been talking about how he would need to ask Santa for them. So, now, each morning he wakes up and asks me, "Is today Christmas?" We have added Santa to our nightly prayer routine! :)

Here is Charlie's latest school pics.....he is still the cutest guy ever!! In my opinion.

School Pictures

Charlie has been attending day school near my work since September of last year. He is doing great with his classes and all of his friends. He learns something new every day, in English and Spanish. :)

Lately I think the two-year old class has been working on "listen with your ears!" - surely an important lesson for a group of very healthy, curious two-year old boys and girls. Listening, the life-long learning lesson begins in the 2B classroom, right along with potty training and the lesson titled "we don't hit our friends."

By the way, I think Charlie is doing great in "we don't hit our friends" and still has some work to do in the "listen with your ears" lesson. He is, much to mama's delight, also doing great in his potty training. He has gone through the last couple of weeks with none, or maybe only a couple of accidents at school or in the evening at home. I never knew how proud I could be that my son was wearing the same underwear when I pick him up that I put on him in the morning. But I find myself perfectly delighted when I arrive and that is the case. It is happening almost every day now. Wow!! three weeks ago, I thought these days would never happen.

Here are a couple of Charlie's school photos from last month.

He is getting so big, no longer a little baby, but becoming a little boy. He knows it too!